You put your head down and you push through the shit. You get through and you stay humble, honor your past while you continue to work hard. That is the philosophy that I have lived by that has on the one hand, allowed me to be personable and humble but on the other hand, allowed me to miss out on some parts of this life. At this moment in my existence, I am looking back and trying to not beat myself up for not celebrating some huge accomplishments and milestones.
I made a difficult realization on the eve of my 29th birthday. I haven't really lived to the fullest yet. I have been too cautious when I should have taken a little more risk. My years of "youth" were coming to end and I was afraid and saddened by the all moments of life that I missed out on. I hadn't challenged myself by setting goals that would move me outside of my bubble of comfort. I haven't traveled to places I wanted to see or anything like that. I was frozen in place. Moving from work to home and the few places in between. Feeling lonely and let down, I vowed 2020 would be my year. And then Covid hit and we all went into survival mode. The same mode of life I was living on and off for the last decade.
My pre-Covid plan was to vacation in Cabo, a destination that I planned to visit for years but never figured out how to make it happen. I wanted to see more of California, the place I have called home all my life. I wanted to celebrate my birthday with close friends in Vegas because I had only been there once before. But all that changed because this was serious, despite all the nonbelievers and conspiracy theories. I needed to put my head down once again, stay strong and protect my loved ones. I needed to do the right thing for those with chronic illnesses and for my mom who was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the pandemic. The result was that there was another year of not celebrating. As the threat of the pandemic lessens and life is gaining traction once again, I know that there is a lot of celebrations that I have missed.
I didn't talk about it much but, I was home alone and I cried when I turned in my last assignments for my Master's program in the spring of 2020. I closed my laptop and as I exhaled the deep sense of relief, the tears just poured from my eyes. After working your ass off for two years, with 14 and 16 hour days on the regular, ending that way was not the plan. See as a cohort, we had to tell ourselves all sorts of things that last year to make it to the finish line. We discussed all kinds of plans, parties and drinks, Korean BBQ, sleep and everything in between. We were robbed in many ways. Yes, there were car-mencements and virtual celebrations but at the end of those, you were still facing some sort of isolation. I was seeing all my family from a distance and at that moment, all I wanted to do was hug my mom, my sister and my nieces because as much as this degree was for me, it was for them too. And I couldn't.
Our program graduation was as beautiful as it could be though. The faculty in the PELSA program are considerate, understanding and compassionate and they did all that they could do to celebrate our cohort. I was so emotional during the whole thing that I couldn't even turn my camera on during the Zoom. I made a promise to myself and announced it across my social media that day: I will take graduation photos. I didn't take official pictures when I got my Bachelors degree and I promised that I would do it for this degree. And I am still going to keep that promise as the pandemic wraps up. I also did not walk in the official graduation. this year when the opportunity presented itself. It seemed like the moment was gone and I lost the desire to do that. I did regret that a ton but I know that I can still celebrate, Chris Medellin, M.A.
Flash back momentarily to 2015. I was heartbroken and looking up and down my body in the mirror. "What happened to me?" was all that I could think. I thought that I was happy with myself but while recoiling from being dumped, you don't have a good sense of self worth. I weighed in at 250 pounds and I knew that I was heavier maybe a week before that moment staring in the same mirror. Knowing that I wasn't happy and that I wanted to change, I kicked my ass into gear. Every morning for the whole month of December, I was hitting the gym or hiking up Cowles Mountain and running back down and all before the sun was up. On January 1st, 2016 I weighed in at 195. Looking at myself then, with tears rolling down, I knew that could try to love my body again.
The last few years, my weight has fluctuated between 180 and 195. Never going higher than that but never seeming to drop lower. November of 2020, I started a running club for our students. I joined to get myself moving after staying stationary while working from home. After that first month of running 82 miles, I finally dropped into the 170s. Today, after running a personal record of my first 3 miles in 25 mins and 51 seconds, I weighed 168. Here is a photo of my body right now. It is not perfect, I am not chiseled head to toe, I don't have a six pack. But I am more happier about my body than I was while wondering what happened to myself.
The next thing I need to celebrate is Dr. Chris. I have so many thoughts and feelings recorded about the whole process of applying and I will address it in a different blog about imposter syndrome. But, what I will say is that I did that! I sat here and powered through the feelings of doubt and if I can get into a PhD program or not. I went through the application on my own and I literally crushed it. I wrote my personal statement and said, "damn, I would let me into the program 100%." I did not wait until the literal last minutes of the application period to submit it either (yes it was the last day but still, it was a win against procrastination đđ ). I am excited and nervous but I know that with my loved ones around me, I am going to do just fine.
Next up, talents. I don't consider myself and artist. Hold up, I didn't even consider myself a blogger until about a month ago when I made it official in my Instagram bio. I am a writer and blogger. I write poetry and I every now and then, I publish them here on my website. Do I write elegantly and with the flair of anyone famous, no. But I wanted to do this, so I did and I am so honored to have you folks read my shit (proverbial shit đ¤Ł). Yes, I am an artist too. I like to paint and draw. Am I good? Questionable in my eyes, I ain't no Picasso. But I am owning my abilities and will do better at saying that I am an artist.
In summer of last year, and after many years of working hard, I was named as a director. I have taken all my roles serving students with great pride whether that was an administrative support assistant or a program coordinator because I was working for my people. My journey was stressful and I worried often if I was doing the right thing by staying. But, I kept my head down and I pushed through. I planned ahead when I could and I dreamed big. "One day I would be in an elevated role to continue to advocate for my people and to actually enact change with my own hands." Cheers to Director Chris!
So what now? I know that celebrating has been a struggle for me because I don't like to bring a lot of attention to myself. I do what I can and I don't ask for anything in return. I am happy to have it that way. My goals moving forward is to do better at celebrating myself both privately and publicly with you, my friends and loved ones. If you got to this point in my post, I want to party! I have been slowly getting out more after the 14 months of spending 90% of my time alone. I am thinking a backyard BBQ, good food, music and much needed laughter (hmu if you cool, lol and want details because if you read these, obviously you cool). This is to celebrate all the good things of the last year! Cheers to the graduations, the admissions, the miles ran, promotions, birthdays, and all the life that happened in-between surviving!
*After a long time of considering all the angles, I gave myself a gift for all that I accomplished. I didn't want to put it out there but maybe this is a humble brag. đ¤ˇđžââď¸ my new whip, it goes zzzzoooooooom*
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