When I look back and I think about the one's that I have loved romantically, I think of the fine balance between the love and the pains. And it was such a delicate balance to maintain. I also think about this written work that I came across many years ago titled "Reason, a Season or a Lifetime." I came across it as a teenager, navigating life and the reality that everyone in my life serves a particular purpose. It was an interesting perspective but I still carry some of the philosophy with me to this day. It is very relevant in how I have navigated sharing beautiful moments with amazing individuals, from having all, then most, some and then none of them.
Ari had it right. Thank you, but respectfully, next. She taught us that we needed to take a moment and really honor those that we have shared our hearts with. She knew and understood the kinds of love that served a reason, a season or lifetime with those that she herself loved dearly. Of course her hit song was also about declaring that she was a strong woman who was moving on in a new relationship but, I want to focus on the lessons learned. Maybe what Ari is telling us to do is to not move on but to move forward with the pain from our heartbreaks. We don't linger on the negative feelings and experiences, we heal, we thank them, we grow, and we move forward. For ourselves. *
So with that said, what happened to me? I never talked about some of things that I have gone through openly. What I wanted to do was talk about some of that here because before we can pave the road forward, we have to lay a new foundation over the old.
Love sparks
Exes are like ghosts. They stay with you, they haunt the halls of your mind and your memories. Sometimes you hear and see them when they are not actually here. They become a part of you that can be much deeper than you anticipate. So when the echoes of their presence reverberate with hollowness through you, what are you supposed do?
When you look back, can you remember your first love? Maybe it is the first person you date, maybe it is someone else just outside of reach. Maybe it is the person that made you stop and think, "whoa," as you gravitate towards them. That is what it was like for me that very first time. It was an innocent love for sure. I was in early grade school and I had that "whoa" moment when we locked eyes one time. There was no pressure, there was no end goal, it was one of those things that you just discovered. It was about exploring how they made you feel flutters in your gut. It was the pureness of passing silly notes, or "footsie" under the table, riding bikes after school through the neighborhood and the laughter that we shared that no one else could understand. And just like that, you move schools and life and the love moves forward with you.
One of the echo-chambers that rippled on for years was a teenage love. It came at a difficult time in my development but it taught me quite a bit. One day in a hushed voice and guilt in her brilliant eyes, "Chris... I have to tell you something..." With desperation, she begs me not to be mad at her and I wasn't mad as she explained that she kissed her ex-boyfriend and all she wanted was to be honest with me and that it didn't mean anything. As the tears started to well up in her eyes, I felt cold and still as I calmly told her that we were done. It just wasn't mean to be. She apologized over and over again but it didn't matter. I wasn't deeply hurt about it though. We were not very compatible, had different outlooks on too many topics and she clearly wanted to be with someone else. And I told myself with maturity beyond me, that that was ok. I learned that while it was messed up, I knew that I needed to put myself out there and I could walk away, ok.
Over time, things got more difficult in the realm of love for me. As someone who watches and waits (sometimes to my own demise), I realized I retreated into myself in the area of love. At the time, I didn't realize how afraid I truly was. As described in chapter 1, I was (and have always been) battling with the feelings of abandonment and that maybe to love, we might have to lose something. We might not be the same afterwards and while that is something I learned with age that is 100% ok, it is/was a terrifying concept as a young adult. Lots of folks have that feeling after a break up, "I'm just going to focus on me and be happy." But the ghosts and the relics are still there. The relics that were gifts, that were purchases to live comfortably together, to enjoy a day out, to make up for something done wrong, a surprise that brought a smile and joy. The sparks turn into ghosts and sometimes, they never fully disappear.
'Cause I'm in love with bad luck
I was on the floor staring at the ceiling. An emptiness rang through me like I never felt before. Why did I feel so much devastation, so deep, it felt heavy on my bones? Gravity was pushing down on me as I racked my brain searching for memories of the moment it all went wrong. It was probably my fault things ended like this, for the reason why she couldn't love me anymore. Maybe I didn't tell her that loved her enough. Maybe I should have bought her flowers and asked her to dance with me. Maybe we should have traveled more. Maybe I was lazy and I got too comfortable.
I still searched for the moment. You were my sure thing... Right? My partner in crime. Unstoppable. As I removed all photos from my phone and computer, I couldn't find it. Maybe there were just too many small fractures that couldn't be filled. It could have been a quantity over quality in the cracks of our love. Sometimes you do all that you can to make things right for the one you love. You pour everything you can into the cup that you share together and it just isn't enough to sustain the relationship.
The sun shines in and you are renewed, even just a little bit. The ceiling stops moving and love finds you. Their voice breaks through a barrier that was hardened around you and you reach for them. Her laugh lights you up and some of the fears that you carry in your heart don't feel as heavy. The shadows that they cast on you feel less intense when you look at her as she tells you the mundane details in a story with gusto. They fade even more when she throws you for a roller coaster ride of stories and feelings that she said she never told anyone before. And then we bicker, she gets after you for not doing something, we cry together. We engage in back and forth conversations that continue around in circles. Sacrifices are made, love waivers, weakening and then renewed. Clouds roll in and the sunshine disappears. The seasons change and our love went cold.
As I struggle to recover myself from the dark path I went on, the echoes ring out. I can't drown them out, they just won't disappear. And I love you still. It was never about not loving you. It was knowing that I couldn’t hold on anymore even though I didn't want to actually let go. The embrace that we had with our arms wrapped around each other with the love radiating from each other in a moment that felt like forever and a second a the same time. Then the spin to turn away from you where our hands still lock tightly together, not wanting to let go.
But I had to, I had to because I loved you more than me in that moment and that broke the last piece of my heart that was whole. The numbing rain pours down on you.
Love hurts
The things you can do to someone who is so close can be so devastating. And at the same time, you spend so much time together that you become a soft reflection of the other person. You pick up each other's mannerisms and you carry the experiences that you gained while with them for a very long time, if not the rest of your life. And this made me think, "isn't that the point of all this?" All this is to learn from our past, to make mistakes, learn, heal and grow beyond that to be the person right here, right now.
4 year old me was wounded and was afraid to let go of anyone else. As I was forced to say goodbye in so many cases, everything in my body and soul would fight as hard as I could to keep what I had. No matter what happened to me, I couldn't do it. I couldn't not have you as a part of my life. I would have given everything I could for my sure thing. We were good to each other, we were playful, affectionate and could take on the world.
I wasn't my best at times. Sometimes I was the problem. I put work above her too many times and I couldn't stop repeating that pattern. Just like what was done to me, I foolishly kissed someone else while in a relationship. I felt wanted in the moment and let it happen. I said rude things to my partner, hurting feelings and drawing tears. I didn't risk more of myself in my relationship to step outside of my comfort zone. I get comfortable and I don't budge. I lose the sense of adventure and sometimes ambition. Maybe I wanted someone to fix me, when I should have been doing that for myself and my partner. And I waited too long. I waited for the "right" moment not knowing that maybe I was living it right then. I waited so much and not knowing what I was waiting for, caused so much pain.
Love hurts. But sometimes it heals us. Sometimes it's all we have on this rock and we shouldn't lose the hope of its impact. You are not a blank slate after a breakup. It is impossible to be one and I am not sure it is realistic to strive for that. You experience something so deep when you share your love with someone special and that cannot be forgotten easily.
My mother who passed away when I was a teenager, my loved ones alive and now passed, and my exes all still live within me. New pieces of parts that were broken. Mended because my heart still has a beat. And maybe, just maybe through everything, we have to talk openly about that night that we first met...
-Reason, a Season, or A lifetime-
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life...
Author Unknown
*Note that when I talk about thanking our passed loves, I do not mean to ignore any abuse, physical, psychological, manipulation, etc, that one may have experienced in these relationships. This "thanking" never has to include confronting an abuser or even acknowledging their actions as holding power over you. I advocated for this to be a thanking of yourself, your resilience, and your ability to heal from these acts in the past and currently, if you continue to work on it. *
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