For those of you that have read all the parts of this series: Thank you! Some of you have told me directly that you enjoy reading these blogs and I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to listen to my inner voice through these writings. This last chapter was unplanned compared to the rest of the series. I think that when I poured out what I had in the previous chapters, especially Chapter 3, there was something left over that a year's time couldn't quite predict where it would go. So here are some residual thoughts that are left over.
"I see my path, but I don't know where it leads. Not knowing where I'm going is what inspires me to travel it."
Rosalia de Castro
When I woke up from that dream, where my life had been just about perfect, after my smile faded from what I felt and witnessed, I panicked. While I saw myself so elated by what my life could be, I freaked out at the idea that I had so much more to work towards to make that happen. That dream was so long ago now that I don't know how I could I achieve that anymore. My life has changed so much in the few years that have just flown by. I realized it in multiple moments over the last few years. It happened when I saw announcements on social media sharing the gift of a diamond to solidify that pact in love. It was when I saw those folks fall in love on TikTok. In the moments when I saw happy families out exploring the city and nature, kids in the stroller and another brewing in the tummy. It was in those moments when sonograms were shared, declaring the expectation of bringing in a little bundle of joy soon. But it all has felt so impossible for me and I am ashamed to say that I felt like it would never happen for me. Departing was the only thing that I have known and understood, intimately.
I had to walk away from someone finally, and it was terrible. When someone tells you that they are "here" for you, what does that actually mean? What does that mean when you want more than what they are able to give/do? For me, that meant to face my fears and that I had to be the one to walk away this time. I loved them, with all my heart. But the reality sank in over time and I had to say that it was enough. Deep down, I knew that I would always go back to them. And that my friends, was why I had to let go. I couldn't be happy knowing that they also couldn't let me go. It was a true impasse. So I had to rip off the bandaid and let them finally slip through my hands so they can go where they were meant to go. All I hope is that they have been able to find that happiness because love is about happiness. Just know, I am so glad that we met...
"Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave. "
Mary Tyler Moore
Should I even try anymore? I do so much better when I don't try to make something happen. I feel like as soon as I do try to put more effort, so many things can go wrong. The tragedy is looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that it's just going to be me, myself, and I, going through this crazy world. As tears uncontrollably rolled down my face, I told myself that it was going to be ok. I told myself that this was just temporary and that good things take time. All I had in the moment was time, it was a pandemic after all and I rarely left my house these days. It's going to be ok... It's all going to be ok... It will get better... I just have to be patient... I just have to work on making myself happy... I just have to find my own way forward...
"Never be afraid to fall apart, because it is and opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along."
Rae Smith
While I still grapple with these thoughts and feelings, I hope that you, glorious reader, learned something. I was so afraid to put this whole series out there that it stopped me from publishing for a year. It was a roadblock that only time could help me pass through. And with that, I started my healing with music and with tears. Music was super important to my journey and my process. So much so that I used music in Chapter 2 extensively. While I cried or just processed my feelings, music helped me pull through and move forward in so many ways. So my intention was to use those songs in subtle ways throughout that blog and allow the lyrics to guid me through all the feelings that I was experiencing. Khalid, Lord Huron, Post Malone, Incubus, and yes, Ariana Grande are some of the references that I used in that blog. The lyrics that repeated over and over on my playlist helped me find words for feelings that I struggled to find as I literally laid out on my bedroom floor trying to ground myself. We don't always talk about love because of the pain that it can cause but we fill our hearts with music and I let that guide me in those moments.
I could have used this series to "tell my side" of the story in my most recent relationships and I did that, but in my way. I could have said so many things that made them look bad in some way but what would that have done? I am not in the same headspace that I was months and years after those relationships ended. I have learned a lot about myself and that was all that I could control. Those actions, while valid in lots of situations, were not a part of my healing journey. It was not easy though. The easy route is not always the right one. But I owe a lot of things to the pandemic. While it destroyed so much for so many, while we lost loved ones and ourselves, there were so many lessons that we could still take away. There is always time to take a pause.
I don't know what is next for me. I don't know who will get a piece of my heart next. I don't know if I am ready. I don't know if the fear and pain that I hold with hold me back. I don't know if those dreams will come true. But I have hope. Even if it is a small sliver of hope compared to how it used be. We'll get there eventually. Chris has a complicated past but Chris has love in heart for someone special still.
"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
George Bernard Shaw
For my amazing loyal readers: Look forward to one of my next topics discussing "building confidence." This will be related to some of the things that I discussed in this series. The next few posts are ones that I have been sitting on for a while and I hope you all enjoy those while I work on different topics for further down the road. And if you made it to this part of post, please go back to my original post on social media and leave a comment! I would love to hear from you if you have thoughts or just drop "Confident" in the comment section for me. Thank you again!
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