Dear reader,
If you are here reading this right now, you most likely care about me in some way. Seeing this photo of me may concern you deeply. So, I want you to know before reading another sentence, I am ok. There is much for me to share however, so please read all the way through. Thank you~ Chris
I am not a typical man. I hate to even have to say such a thing but, this is the world that we live. A world in which making a such a statement would make people look at me "some way." I am not typical. I wear my hair long. I have a softer voice. I feel, I cry. I do not embody what is normally associated as masculine. Today, I share with you my truths, things I never spoke about and also my way forward.
I was teased for my voice in middle school. People would sometimes mock my voice for being higher than theirs. Sometimes other boys would think that I was gay. Being a teenager was just all bad. Locker rooms, puberty, school dances, and everything in between, it was all weird to have to go through. It was society already creating an image of how you are supposed to be. A lot of these things said directly to me, hurt in many different ways. I was so unsure of myself because of how others chose to treat me. Most importantly, I tried to ignore these things and not let it penetrate the "tough skin" a man is supposed to have. But it never really worked.
In no way am I perfect though. I have allowed myself to hurt others too. I lashed out in different ways and I was also hurtful and cruel at times. I justified these things as self defense but it wasn't always true. I tried to make it funny at times, to soften the blow but that just showed how deeply hurt I really was. All this was behind a mask of manliness. All this, to be tougher than I looked or sounded.
Looking back at how I was and how I treated others, I can see what was happening. I was lost in so many ways. I had some key people there to guide me but some times, I didn't listen. There were others in my life that did not set good examples too. A lot of these individuals were the men in my life. I navigated all of my life by being observant of my surroundings and this lack of positive male role models was detrimental to me, I didn't have more good to emulate. I reflect on times when I had to explain at school that I didn't have a dad and the looks of my peers trying to understand. I longed for a man in my life that would help me understand the world. At the same time, I am grateful for my mom and sister for raising me. They did their best.
The things that people said to me, tore into me. It got to a point where I was fighting with myself on whether I was gay or not. I was called a "fag" for years by a particular man close to me. For what reason? I don't know really, but hearing this so frequently was confusing. It felt like I couldn't win anywhere I was at times. The odds were stacked up against me. I was raised by strong and resilient women and just about all the men in my life were not well. This way, that we see and treat men and boys, is sick. This will stop.
Even as a "grown" adult, approaching thirty, I make mistakes. I still can and have hurt people. I have held on to deep feelings of hate for people or for certain situations. I want to make things right though because like I said, I am not perfect. I am sorry, to those that I love, loved and have caused hurt, pain, and heartache to, I am moving forward in a better way. To do that fully, I also have to apologize to myself. I am sorry Chris, young Chris. I am so sorry for the pain that you have dealt with. I am sorry that you felt alone all those times, that wasn't your fault. You did the best you could. Everyone did the best they could. You made some mistakes but if you could see what you would become, you would hold your head higher. You don't have to question yourself, you know who you are. It took a while, but things are ok now. Still not perfect of course but better for the life that you will live from here on out. Keep learning to love yourself and let go of your hate, you will be better soon. I am sorry that you have lived with all these fears that you felt crippled you. You grow more confident as you stay in school over the years. School: the place you feel that you belong while also feel on the outside. Just stay curious Chris, keep learning about yourself and the world that you live in. You will learn so much more with a heart full of love. The love you experience will be your glue. You will transform, you got this.
I delayed publishing this blog because of the pressures that we see in society. Our society continues to abuse men who want to make changes to how we are viewed on a mass scale. I watched Will Smith get ridiculed nationally by being turned into meme for trying to open up and to talk about how he was feeling on a sensitive subject. The flack that he got for "holding back tears" was so heartless and it reinforces that we as men, are not allowed to feel hurt. It was really disheartening and I started to think of all the negative reactions I would get for showing these emotions. Also now, after researching a little on how Will handled everything, the story changed. A month or so back, he changed the narrative and said that his eyes were dry and that he was tired. It was past midnight and the family was supposed to head out to catch a flight and they needed to film the session before they left. That is what society did to a man like Will Smith. It was chance to buckle down and be a counter for all the boys who were told to "suck it up" or just that crying was weak. But no, he was just tired. However, I did remember that I am not Will Smith and the magnitude of societal pressures like that shouldn't effect me (I ain't that popular hahaha).
I will not let society and media to tell me how to be a man. I have helped to start a men's group for employees where I work, with the goal to support other men. In one of our meetings, we discussed some of the things wrong with the male role and societal expectations. We talked about how it is the norm that we have hide how we feel. We are taught to hide so much of ourselves that the real term should be "mask-culinity." This is where you put on that mask as a man and hide yourself behind what you are "supposed" to be. You have to enjoy certain things like sports on Sundays but you are also not allowed to do other things like cry and tell another man you love them. You can't even do something like tell a woman that you love her before she says it to you first. It is ridiculous and it ends with us.
Masculinity is my own. It is mine to mold and mine to define who am I as a man. I am caring, I am compassionate. I pluck my eyebrows and use face masks to keep my face clear. I have long hair in a ponytail. I love, a lot. I love my brothers too. Those brothers that need to be told that they don't have hide anymore. I talk about my life and my problems. I listen, I learn, I admit my mistakes. I cry. I cry a lot. I am insecure at times. I need a hug every now and then. But most importantly, I am enough and I'm not going to apologize for who I am anymore. I'm just Chris.
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~Thank you to all those that encouraged me on Facebook. I posted my new profile as a test to see if y'all were ready for this. All the love and support was overwhelming and powerful. So as a treat, here is my other selfie. My super confident, feelin' myself, Mr. Educated selfie. Thank you for reading to end~
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