When I graduated high school, I weighted 135 pounds. I was definitely extremely skinny at that point in my life and as I was entering college, I was not very confident with my body. I think in general, I have had more moments were I have not been proud of my body.
One of the changes that I experienced when I entered college was having an almost unlimited amount of money that I could spend on food. My mom always did her best providing considering that we had hard financial times while I was in high school. I am truly thankful for her sacrifices and also for not pressuring me to get a job to help support us. She valued my education and wanted to give me every opportunity to do my best in school and I could not ask for anything more. So when I moved into the dorms and had so much money to spend on feeding myself, I naturally gained weight. At the beginning, it was very healthy because I was also hitting the gym and exercising regularly along with (mostly) eating balanced meals. By December I had gained 20 pounds and I could bench my weight of 155. This was a huge accomplishment for me because I had never really valued the routine of the gym.
I was a runner before so, hitting the gym and gaining muscle like that was not what I was about. But for some reason it was not meant to be. I got sick, flu like sickness, and I was out of the gym for a month. Once I was able to make it back through the gym doors, I got sick again and that was really the last time for a long while where I took my weight seriously. I already had a semi active life being involved in different sports and such and I found myself able to make more excuses to not value my physical health than to take it seriously. Every now and then over the next years I would hike, run, and play with having a gym membership. And yes it took YEARS.
At the end 2016 I experienced a lot of change. I was going through some tough times and I remember looking in the mirror one day and I was shocked at what I saw. I was in disbelief at how large my stomach had gotten. I didn't really have anyone else to blame either. I love food. But looking at myself and feeling that amount of disappointment in what I did to myself really hurt. So I knew I had to change it. I woke up one morning at the crack of dawn and I hiked up a 1.5 mile mountain near my house. The next day, I hit the gym at 5 a.m. and the process repeated. At first, I was just doing things in a frantic sort of trance to try to undo the damage of all my favorite foods and I did not record my weight when I first started this "new me." I started to buy healthier foods and created a basic plan that I wanted to stick to. About a week in, I weighted myself and I came in at a whopping 225 pounds. I cried.
At the time I hated myself. I let it go so far and I did not realized how bad it was. It was even worse because I realized that I weighted even more than that 225 because I had already started to lose some weight at that point. Even though I hit that low at that moment, I could not let myself give up. So I persisted. In about 5 weeks of either hitting the gym or hiking up a mountain, I broke the 200 pound mark and was sitting at around 195. I thought about what weight I would be happy at and 195 was not it. That first 40 or so pounds just melted off and I was extremely proud of myself. It is important to recognize the work that you do and when you make progress on achieving some of your goals. For me it was time to think up what that new goal would be and it was to be at 170ish.
When I chose that goal I wanted to mindful of my height, size and my lifestyle. So I picked a weight that is considered healthy for all that and just challenging enough to push me to work harder. Sometimes it does not go well. There are many days where I make every excuse to not run or go to the gym and I realize that I just need to tell myself that I can do it more. Over the last year and half I have brought myself down to 180 and I have struggled a bit to get lower. After evaluating why I have hit a little wall, I know it is because of my long and rocky relationship with the gym.
Here is a photo short photo slide show of my feelings with the gym.
This Is me in my car realizing I could still be in bed. "It's not too late to turn back." "Who needs to go to the gym any." "It's Saturday, who does this?"
These are some of the thoughts I have but the positive part is that I got up, I put my shoes on and I made it to the car. These thoughts are me just giving myself any reason to throw in the towel and not progress any further. I understand that it is hard if you want to lose weight and are having a hard time doing it. I deal with it all the time and I find ways to make it just a little bit easier for myself. I recognize that it is actually way more realistic for me to hit the gym in the morning, so I recommend you to find the time that works for you.
This is my face once I get to the gym parking lot. As you can tell, I am not enthused to at this point with my decision. Even through I made it this far, I still have the thought of "I can leave."
I don't though. One of the things that stops me is that I made it to this point. I woke up, I got in the car, and I drove to the gym. I can work out. I remind myself that I want to do this and that I can do it. I will do what I can at the gym and I will make my goals a reality.
This last one is when I finish my workout. I was at the gym for about 90 minutes and I pushed myself to put in that work. A lot of people are saying things like, "if you don't leave the gym drenched in sweat, you didn't push yourself hard enough." I have some problems with a statement at that. What about people like me who don't sweat a lot? It really takes a lot for me to be drenched in sweat and I don't appreciate people judging and thinking less of me because it "doesn't look like I worked out hard enough." Why? Because I know what I just accomplished and I am happy that I was able to do what I did in my time at the gym. So if you think that way, I urge you to understand that everyone does things at a different level and we should all be happy (and encouraging) to be working towards our goals.
I have worked hard to make the progress that I have made so far. If you are out there trying to reach your goals, I got your back! I support you and I want to see you succeed through all the obstacles and self-doubt as well. You can do it!
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