Even as an introvert, we cannot exist without some sort of social interaction. Being locked inside for almost a whole year has and will have lasting effects on so many of us. For me, I am slowly developing anxiety in any sort of social situations. Let me explain:
The first thing that I need to discuss is that it took me almost seven months to finally be ok with leaving my house to exercise. Not to go out and walk around the mall, or go to the beach, or go to a restaurant to get take out, but leaving my house to be able to run as a way to take care of myself. Being at home I was safe, I was eating better overall because I was not eating out as much as before but I was also stationary. I was in many ways, unable to move. I exercised here and there in my garage and backyard but it wasn't helping and I was slowly gaining weight. I had pains in my body that never had before. The first real issue was about not leaving my house. Not being able to leave.
Another side effect of not leaving my house for more than the one day that I picked to go to the grocery store and Walmart, was my memory loss. To the people that know me very well, I am known for my excellent recollection abilities. It wasn't until this pandemic that I figured out how my memory works, procedurally at least (this is not based in science but in my actual experience so, I would be interested to see if there have been studies done about this). But the way I remember things is by placing everything on a large timeline. For example, I can remember specifics such as conversations based on where I was, what I did before or after that, who was there, what the weather was like, what I ate, etc. So not leaving my house and changing my scene everyday was messing with how everything was placed in my brain when I would try to recall something. It got so bad that I was losing track of things even the months before the lockdown. This has passed for the most part because my leaving to go run at different places has been helping me repair the timeline.
Now, and I am hoping this is the final piece of Covid-19 messing with my brain, is the social anxiety. Since the beginning of all this, I have done everything that I can to minimize the amount of people that I come in contact with. Not leaving my house for anything unnecessary, going to the grocery store first thing in the morning when it's empty/cleanest, and when I have ordered takeout, utilizing the no-contact delivery. But for a few months now, I have been running at different locations as well as having to go to campus a handful of times. All of these times, that I have been remotely close to anyone, has made me so anxious. I feel awkward, I feel like I am too close to people, hearing someone speak to me just to say hi, and I feel like I need to leave the situation immediately. I have felt this way even knowing logically, that I am at minimal risk when almost all of the situations have been outside, or while people are wearing masks and socially distant.
The thing is, I have always been attuned to people being inside of my personal bubble. Societal norms tell us when it is ok to be in that bubble and when it is too much and that has shifted vastly in the last year. Of course we also decide what circumstances are deemed ok and what is not. I never really liked hugs, unless I am comfortable with the person. I never liked shaking hands because, well, germs. You have no idea how many people I have seen not wash their hands after using a public restroom. Or maybe you do know that now, living through a pandemic where the first line of defense was teaching people how to wash their hands (hopefully people are still washing their hands...). And I always hated how close some people would stand to you for to many reasons like waiting to cross the street or in the check out line. I have always understood how uncomfortable I was in certain social situations but I owned it as something that I would get through. Whether that was standing up to speak in front of hundreds of people or shaking someone's hand, I knew how I would feel and what to expect.
So what now? Will this cripple me? No, it won't. Has it been extremely difficult? Absolutely. I have done what I needed to to survive and get through to now. I will continue to do what I must as we all should. We need to make sure that people are safe first. I was able to get back into running and take a drive here and there to be ok with this new world we live in to cope. I will adapt and maybe I will reclaim some of the parts of myself that I had before the pandemic. I have been working on myself and learning about the person that I am in a way I never would have been able to do if it weren't for this lockdown. I do miss listening to random people's conversations at a bar/restaurant or walking across campus. But the world that we return to will be different, as it should be.
*Also please note that Social Anxiety Disorder is a real thing that people are diagnosed with. I have not been diagnosed with this disorder and this is more of an expression on how I my mind is reacting in this extremely stressful time and specific circumstances*
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