Saying that 2020 did not go according to plan, is a tremendous understatement these days. I did not think for one iota that I would spend as much time as I did at home, alone, deep into my own thoughts and feelings, trying to survive through a pandemic that has taken so many lives. I do not think that I will ever be the same after this year and I imagine that you might relate to that.
The beginning of 2020 kicked off like many others. Full of hope, with loved ones, happy and determined to follow new goals. The New Year allows us to reflect on what the previous year held and what we want to carry forward with us in the year to come. My birthday, being on the second of January allows me to have one extra day to reflect on the past year and not feel the pressure of resolutions being tied to a major holiday. This year, I had too much to reflect on.
Entering the new decade, the new roaring 20's, I was ready to make major changes. This was the last year of my twenties after all and I reached a revelation, I finally figured out what has been "wrong" with me. I have spent almost an entire decade mourning all the things that could have been. All these factors that held me in one place and prevented me from actually living. I have been stuck mulling over all the opportunities that I should have leapt at, but just didn’t. 2020 showed me how I have been petrified by of all the time that I wasted. Each year has gone by and I made promises to myself, that "this year, this year will be different," all the while being unable to move.
The biggest two factors that tethered me in place were money and myself. My socio-economic status improved slightly while in my undergraduate years but declined as I reached graduation. It is expensive to even breathe nowadays. An over exaggeration, but financial responsibilities and debt are so devastating that it feels true. In many ways, I feel like I have taken the lonely road because of finances and I still fear that there is no recovering from the social impacts that it had on me. I told people no in so many ways, "I can't," "oh i have to do this...," "I’m busy with..." I held myself back in so many ways.
While my financial status was a major crutch, I am more upset with all the "no's" that I said to myself. There were so many times that I could have said "yes" to the simplest things but I just didn't or couldn't get myself to make whatever it was, happen. (I hope to cover this in depth in another post shortly, so I am going to leave this point here).
This is what I was finally ready to challenge moving into 2020. 2020 was THEE year. I was ready to address my fears and make this year a truly memorable one. I was riding the good vibes, counting my blessings and finally setting goals to break through my usual comfort zone. That was the same comfort zone that kept me at home, barely making progress on myself and my goals. I was actually moving up in my job, I was going to graduate with my Master's degree, first one in my family to do so, I was finally going to travel to places I dreamed about visiting, I was going to celebrate life, go to shows, go to bars, get out of the house and lastly, ring in my big 3-0 with a trip to Vegas.
But 2020, the devious year that fooled us all that we were going forward with unheard of momentum, had a different plan for us all. The world stopped and told us that we were doing too much. It told us that we needed to care for each other because life has become way too fast and we are more divided than ever before. With that message on the horizon, people still found a way to ruin it. Many people are living with prolonged anxiety and fear because of the pandemic and there are too many out fighting with selfishness in their hearts and trying to live as if nothing is going on. 2020 started with the impeachment of the president, denial of a deadly virus, a near total shut down of the country, a fierce battle for racial justice that still persists, fighting to save our democracy, mysterious monoliths, unheard of wildfires, and a soaring death rate for the same virus that people refuse to wear masks to help prevent contracting.
I sat in my room, unable to move for months. Holding on to hope that if we just did X or just Y, we would be able to resume our lives. I tried to hold on to hope for as long as I could. I was unable to go to my favorite places in nature because now that people were not working, everyone and their entire families were taking field trips and not wearing their masks. I could no longer do one of the things that kept me sane: run. The stress and the effects of being at home 24/7 burrowed so deep that I had issues with my memory. Because I wasn't leaving my house, meeting with anyone in person at different locations, running errands, etc, my concept of time was jumbled in my brain. One of my most substantial discoveries was that some of us cannot live a life of depravity. If we aren't out taking photos of our food and "living our best life" we are not an acceptable member of society. Most people didn't ever have to worry about surviving because they were able to actually live. What is happening right now, is all the people who cannot survive are reverting back to the lives that they used to have and are not trying to build the life that they need to have right now.
The life that I have right now has been filled with sadness. Sadness for the state of humanity as a whole, sadness for the ones that we have lost and sadness for my own state of existence currently. Even with the sorrow that I live with now, I do not regret the decision to survive this pandemic the way that I have. I am blessed to still have moved into an honored position where I influence Native youth. I graduated with my Master's degree. I am healthy.
I have turned 2020 around for myself but I spent a total of about 6 months mourning the 2020 that I wanted to have. I am renewing my sense of hope too. My biggest obstacle was getting out of the house to be able to run. I am moving into the next decade in a better place but I am not ignoring the reality of right now. This year is about learning to celebrate myself. In some ways, it still feels like I am left behind because I am not where I envisioned how my life would be. It has taken me forever to reach this point and I know that I have more to reach for. I don't know how to be happy, who am or where I’m headed but I am ready to face these obstacles in the year to come. Chris is going to find how to live happy.
* Hope you enjoyed these photos from my backyard and some of my favorite places*
Comments